


Are We Dark Enough Yet?

by nimmieamee (orphan_account)



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: (I hated season 2), Crack, F/F, F/M, Gen, an ode to season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 08:41:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14540952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/nimmieamee
Summary: Scenes from the town with pep!(That is,PerpetuallyEnragingPlots).





	Are We Dark Enough Yet?

**Author's Note:**

> This is tagged 'crack,' but honestly? It's about as cracky as the show is at this point. Which is admittedly very cracky. I would steer clear if you cannot laugh at your favorite ships and characters. If you cannot do that, then this is not the fic for you. Special thanks to the dear, dear Yavannies for the beta.

High noon.

A hot wind blew across Main Street, scattering abandoned angry mob signs. The signs said things like, "Make Riverdale Great Again," "Justice 4 Madge," "The Serpents Shot Kennedy," and "Go Back To South America Where You Belong, Southsiders."

The town of Riverdale had a shaky grasp on geography. Also a shaky grasp on justice, cause and effect, and how to dress for the weather. Midge's funeral had taken place on a snowy morning two days ago. Then the weather had abruptly become summer, and the angry mob had descended, and already the _Register_ had published several articles on how to combat heat stroke while you were protesting the existence of Southside criminals. 

On this morning, amid the detritus of a town just spontaneously deciding to go insane because they finally had a paper-thin excuse to do it, a lone boy wandered from door to door. The sun glinted off of his red hair and excellent teeth. His skin was as glossy and perfect as the shiny "Fred Andrews For Mayor: I Don't Want To Make Riverdale Great Again -- I want Us To Go Back To Being As Great As We Are In Our Hearts!" pins he had in a box in his hands. He approached every doorway with a determined smile.

"Sorry, son," said the fifty-first person that morning. "I'm voting for Hiram Lodge."

"Hiram Lodge isn't _running_!" Archie said, for the fifty-first time that morning.

The door was shut in his face.

House fifty-two was also voting for Hiram Lodge. House fifty-three understood that they were voting for Hermione Lodge. Houses fifty-four to fifty-nine were voting for _Veronica_ Lodge--

"She's supporting my dad now!" Archie said.

"Look, if the ballot says Lodge, there is just no doggone way I'm not voting for it," said one Northside man enthusiastically.

And house sixty was voting for the Black Hood.

" _What_?" Archie said, aghast.

"Sorry, my _husband_ is voting for the Black Hood," said the man at the door. "I actually am voting for Fred Andrews, because I'm sorry he got shot--"

"And I'm voting for the Black Hood because he shot him!" said the husband.

They closed the door. Neither of them had green eyes, so Archie had to move on. 

-

Because the angry mob had treated themselves to burgers and shakes as a reward for taking a stand against a single sixteen year old who hadn’t been given any kind of trial, Pop’s was also littered with signs. Not to mention stray fires, bloodied Serpent bodies beneath the tables, sobbing Southside mothers, and spray-painted Red Circles, which had presumably been left by people who hadn’t caught the color-related nuances of this week’s plot. 

Veronica Lodge faced Josie McCoy across a Pop’s table. They both looked extremely beautiful, and Veronica in particular looked distraught. 

“Look. I'm glad you reached out. It’s been a crazy twelve hours in Riverdale,” Josie began. It was strange that she was here, because she wasn’t friends with Veronica anymore. They’d had a rift around the time of the school election and never formally made up. And actually Josie hardly ever saw anybody these days because any time the action happened it was like it made plans to happen while Josie wasn’t there. But she figured things were so bad for everybody that maybe she should just let bygones be bygones. 

“No. It’s not that,” Veronica said. “Can you believe my parents won’t let me have my own casino?” 

Josie stared at her. For a moment, there was silence, punctuated only by the sobbing Southsiders.

“Are you serious?” Josie said. 

“Hey,” said Pop Tate, appearing out of nowhere. “Don’t question Veronica. She’s having a really hard time right now.”

Then he stepped over a mortally wounded Southsider who had just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and went to go clean dishes. 

Josie rolled her eyes. 

“You know what?” she said. “I don’t even know why I bother to show up anymore.”

-

"Hey, maybe we should all just go to San Junipero," said Joaquin, in a hospital waiting room on the other side of town.

Sweet Pea punched a vending machine. "I'm not leaving Fangs!"

Jughead pointed angrily at nothing in particular. "I'm not leaving Betty!"

Toni Topaz threw back her shoulders, tossed a lock of pink hair, and blinked her indignation. "And _I'm_ not leaving Cheryl!"

"I'm happy to go," FP reported. "Except that I kind of have this thing going with this woman who was the mother of this baby that turned out to be my baby, but it's dead now, and she's married, but I don't know. I'm gonna see how it all plays out."

Joaquin peered outside the hospital window, where the Ghoulies were currently destroying every Serpent bike in the parking lot; the Bulldogs were spraypainting snakes everywhere; the new Sheriff was loudly telling reporters that he held the Serpents 100% responsible for the rash of snake graffiti in the town, the heat wave, and also every crime ever committed ever; and Hermione Lodge had set up an impromptu rally with a big banner that said, "I Am Going To Put Every Serpent In Prison And It Will Be Awesome."

"Are you guys...sure?" Joaquin asked desperately. "I'm pretty sure we could get Fangs transferred to a San Junipero hospital. I've got some connections."

The other Serpents stared at him.

"Hey!" FP said, vehement. "Snakes never leave with their tails between their legs!"

Sweet Pea, Jughead, and Toni all chimed in with expressions of support for this, and also Jughead took the opportunity to call his father a king among men and no one acted like that was weird. Joaquin felt his mouth drop open.

"Snakes don't even _have_ legs," he pointed out, once he'd gathered himself somewhat. 

"What do you know?" Jughead said testily. "You've only been here for three minutes."

"I've been a Serpent since I was thirteen! When did you join the gang?" Joaquin shot back.

"Nine months ago," Toni said.

"Like last week," said Sweet Pea.

"No, it was like a year ago," FP tried, scratching his chin in confusion. "Right? He joined when I was in jail. Wait, how long have I been out of jail?"

"I've been a Serpent since before Christmas," Jughead snapped. "Since before Halloween."

There was a moment of quiet.

"We didn't _have_ Halloween," Toni tried. "Wait. Where did Halloween go?"

"Okay, you know what?" Joaquin said. "I'll just buy one bus ticket. For me. Because I'm getting out of here the second Fangs wakes up. So."

-

A little while later, at the Pembrooke, Hiram Lodge and Reggie Mantle toasted in front of a roaring fire.

"You're the young leader this town needs," Hiram told Reggie.

"Dude. Totally," Reggie said.

"And together, we can do amazing things," Hiram said. "You're the most handsome, clever, and stunning young man I know, Reggie."

Reggie preened.

"Hey, have you been reading that book on arson I lent you?" Hiram asked casually.

"Finished it this morning, after the freak snowstorm," Reggie boasted. 

"Great," Hiram said warmly. "Haha, unrelated thought. Sure would be funny if someone burned down the entire trailer park so I could kick out all the residents, destroy their lives, and collect the insurance money. Not that I'm suggesting that. That would be _crazy_."

Reggie grinned.

"Not that I'm suggesting that," Hiram repeated.

Then he allowed a note of apology to leak into his expression. 

"Oh, drat. You know what, Reggie? I have some totally boring and not at all dope business to conduct in the next room. Would you give me a moment?"

"Yeah, dude, like whatever. We're bros now. Like we did the whole blood pact and stuff, and we both hate the Southside," said Reggie. 

"Indeed," Hiram said.

Rising from the couch with deliberate movements, Hiram crossed into the next room, where there was also a roaring fire. He closed the door swiftly behind him before Reggie could see inside.

"Moose," he said, turning around to greet Moose. "Moose. I'm so glad you came to me in your hour of need and grief."

-

In yet another part of town, where it was morning for some reason, Betty Cooper sat down to breakfast with her parents.

Alice Cooper piled the table with orange juice, pancakes, bowls of grapes, English muffins, scrambled eggs, poached eggs, bagels, donuts, bacon, sausages, waffles, oatmeal, oranges, bananas, kale salad, rack of lamb, pumpkin pie, green jello, braised stork, and more orange juice. Then she sat down with a single cup of coffee for herself. 

Hal Cooper patted his stomach.

"Yum," he said. He smiled warmly. "Look at us. We're a family. Like nothing ever happened."

Alice smiled. 

Betty did not smile.

"Oh, we're doing _this_ again?" she said, dipping her chin and glaring hard at her parents. "It's like a reset to when the Blossom murder was solved, to last-- to last--"

"Month," Hal put in.

"Year," Alice tried.

"No, wait, I think it was last week," Hal said. 

He looked at Alice. Alice looked at him. They both looked confused.

"It doesn't matter!" Betty hissed. "Do you know what happened? What the two of you did? The _Register_ posted a video incriminating Jughead's friend. Jughead! And you know I _love_ Jughead, dad!"

"Oh, please, like yesterday you only cared about breaking into my ShareBnB," Hal said.

"And the week before that all you cared about was that imposter you let into our house," said Alice snidely, like she also hadn't cared about the imposter.

"And some indeterminate amount of time before that you only cared about the musical," said Hal.

"And before that you were asking me to take you Callmart to buy flannel and get a tattoo because it was another Jughead week," said Alice.

"Those were other weeks!" Betty said. "Months! Whatever. This year I am completely about Jughead again, so dad posting this video is just _unacceptable_ \--"

"I didn't post it, Betty," Hal said, aggrieved. "What? Just because I sold the _Register_ to Hiram Lodge behind you and your mother's back, am conveniently gone most of the time that there's a serial killer afoot, have a creepy lair to myself, tried to cheat you and your mother out of an inheritance, tried to force Polly to abort, and happily slept with Penelope Blossom, you think I'm a bad person now?"

" _I_ posted the video," Alice said, triumph in her tone. "This town deserves to know the truth about the Serpents."

Betty stated at her, betrayed.

"Mom!" she said, "Last week, you were apologizing to the Serpents for scapegoating them!"

"Yeah, well, new year, new me," Alice said, shrugging.

-

Moose looked up from the fire. He looked young, angry, and inexplicably rapturous of Hiram.

"Mr. Lodge," he said. "Midge slept with a Southsider. A Southsider! And I only cheated on her, like, four or five times! I can talk to you about this, right?"

"You can talk to me about anything, Moose," Hiram said. "I would never turn you away. You're family now."

"Good!" Moose said hotly.

"Just one question," Hiram said. "You have the vials of poison I gave you, right?"

"Right," Moose said, nodding.

"Great," Hiram said. "Great. Super. Because, you know, if students like Ethel Muggs and Trev Brown started being poisoned left and right, and then maybe those vials were found in -- oh, I don't know, some _Serpent clubroom_ \-- I just really would not want anyone thinking I was involved, you know?"

"Ooooh, I get it," Moose said.

"Not that I want that to happen or anything," Hiram murmured. "Not that I want the best boy in town to do that or anything."

Then, after a half-second, he added, "Oh, Moose, can you just wait like one second? I have, like, this _super dumb_ business thing to do in the next room."

"Sure, that's fine," Moose said quickly, not wanting to inconvenience Hiram.

Hiram nodded, crossed to a door opposite the door he'd come through, passed through it, and closed the door quickly behind him before Moose could see in.

Kevin Keller was waiting for him in front of a roaring fire.

"I just don't understand why my father lost his job!" he said.

Hiram crossed to him and put a supportive hand on his shoulder.

"The important thing is that it was not my fault, and it was absolutely poor people who did it," he said.

"I know! They all just have these -- these knives!" Kevin said.

"So true," Hiram said. "Knives. So many knives. Hey, do you still have that AK-47 I gave you?"

-

At the law offices of Sierra McCoy, Esq., Veronica fluttered gracefully onto a couch. 

“Money first,” said Sierra.

Veronica handed over a check for five thousand dollars. It was signed 'Hermione Lodge' in Veronica's hand, because forgery was a Lodge family pastime. 

“Great,” Sierra said, making a note to cash it as soon as possible, before the Lodges caught on to their daughter’s theft. “So what’s the problem?"

She made a mental note that it could be anything. Veronica might be onto some legal foul play that had resulted in the bloody death of Midge Klump. Veronica might know something about how Sierra's attorney rival, Penny Peabody, had been spotted in town again and was now back to her old tricks ensnaring young people with drugs. Come to think of it, the jingle jangle trade might have exploded again. Fred Andrews might have been shot again -- wait, no, not five minutes ago, Fred had made an appointment to come by and talk difficult mayoral races, so he was probably still alive. But still.

So many people were suffering so much. And so many other people _could_ suffer in wholly new ways. The town was overrun with darkness. Anything dire could happen.

"I need to know how I can pull out of my parents' schemes," Veronica said. "Legally."

"You mean pull out of the for-profit prison venture that will make slaves of anyone unlucky enough to be arrested on trumped-up charges, which in this town could be anyone?" Sierra said. 

She was astonished. Maybe this was good news for once.

"What?" Veronica said. "No. I love the prison. I mean the mayoral race! Former-Mayor McCoy, you _must_ understand. When you're Mayor, everyone hates you and also you just...you start to suck! And I don't want that for my mom! Someone _shot_ at her!"

Sierra's mouth dropped open. Veronica hardly noticed, because she was too busy looking beautifully distraught.

"So you're fine with supporting a huge injustice, but not when it might be difficult for you--"

"There were shots," said Veronica. "My mom could have been hit, or, even _more_ dire, _Archie_ could have been hit. Archie was almost _assassinated_. I was almost Jackie O!"

She stopped, like she was contemplating something. Like, deep down inside, she liked the thought of being Jackie O. Sierra blinked at this.

"So you want to stay involved your parents' schemes as long as they don't get scary, but when it comes to the impact those schemes have on most of this town, you don’t care?” 

"That's the general concept," Veronica said crossly. "Must we play twenty questions? I paid you for legal advice. Hurry up and advise me!"

Sierra began to massage her temples. 

"Look," she said, after a few seconds. "Veronica. I like you. But as someone who has been down this road of having her worst impulses used as manipulation fodder by Hiram and Hermione Lodge, the best advice I could give you is to actually _stop_ thinking solely of what would most impact you, and start--"

The door to the law offices creaked open. Fred Andrews stood in the doorway, face lit with humble yet righteous judgment.

"I'm sorry, Sierra," he said. "But I couldn't help overhearing you criticizing Veronica's choices. And you should never criticize Veronica's choices. Because Veronica has suffered so, so much."

"I know, right?" Veronica said.

-

Across town, in Thistlehouse, where it was nighttime, Cheryl Blossom was fighting off the Black Hood. 

She'd seized her bow and arrow and shot at him several times, and now she was running through the halls, scarlet hair streaming behind her, shrieking at the top of her lungs. 

"Nana!" she screamed, as she ran down the hallways of Thistlehouse. "Nana! We have to leave! The Black Hood is here! And we're in mortal _peril_!"

"What, again?" said Penelope Blossom, opening the door of her bedroom a crack.

"Mother, I _thought you had moved out_ ," Cheryl hissed, running past her.

"Ha!" Penelope said. "You thought you'd taken control of me when you threatened my oxygen, too. And that lasted like six hours."

-

Betty and Jughead walked through the mid-morning rain.

"Yeah, so Fangs woke up, and we had that Serpent yard sale to pay for his hospital bills, so now none of us have any money to make our rent and we're dependent on the kindness of Hiram Lodge!" Jughead said, frustrated.

"Is that so bad?" Betty said. "Maybe Hiram's good?"

" _Why_ do people keep proposing that?" Jughead said.

Betty blinked large eyes at him.

"I'm just trying to be supportive, Jug."

Jughead stopped walking, ashamed of himself for not giving Betty the benefit of the doubt. Betty kept walking, every step a mark of selfless girlfriend nobility. Because she had the umbrella, this left Jughead soaked in a matter of seconds.

"Look," he said, calling out to her. "I'm sorry, Betty. I'm sorry. I keep saying and doing _stupid_ things--"

"I have to tell you something," Betty said, in a shaky voice.

Jughead ran to her and tenderly clutched her face. The umbrella was sort of in the way, but he managed to make it work.

"What?" he said, instantly focused on her and only her. "Betty! What is it?"

"I've been--I've been getting calls from the Black Hood," Betty breathed out.

"Oh my god!" Jughead said, in a register that was slightly too loud for the occasion. He reached up and ripped off his drenched beanie.

"Betty! You should have told me! The Serpents will defend you!"

"Are you sure about that?" Betty said. "I'm not a Serpent, and it's weird that you can just decide what they do without consulting them, and you're all about to evicted, and also the whole town hates you guys--"

"No," Jughead said, holding up a finger. "None of that stuff is going to be happening while your plot is happening. Because that would mean we'd have to choose the Southside community over you, and that -- _that_ , Betty Cooper --" 

He swallowed hard.

"That would be the _single most evil thing anyone in this town has ever done_."

"I know, Jughead," Betty whispered, tangling her hand in his jacket. "I know."

-

In a Southside alley somewhere, Sweet Pea faced Archie. Sweet Pea had a very small knife. Archie had a gun he'd taken from Reggie. 

"It's fine that I have a gun, because you have a knife!" Archie yelled.

"Whatever! You Northsiders have had this coming!" Sweet Pea yelled. "Destroying our bikes, shooting Fangs--"

"Why are you doing this?" Archie said, like Sweet Pea hadn't just answered that exact question. "Why are you doing this violent gesturing that I'm opposed to, because for right now I'm opposed to violence even though I'm enacting it myself!"

"Reggie's not around right now, and somebody needs to make you look better, Andrews," Sweet Pea hissed.

Then they fought, which was just as well, because Sweet Pea had used up his three whole lines for the week.

-

In the Keller house, a week or maybe two days later, Tom Keller sat against his headboard, shirtless and depressed. He'd lost his job and had no idea what he was going to do with himself now. 

"I mean, what was I supposed to do?" he asked his girlfriend. " _Not_ shoot a man in the back? I was a _cop_."

"You know, it occurs to me that when we had power, we were not nice people," Sierra said. "It was only when we became victims of the Lodges that we regained any kind of morality. Which, when I think about it, is a trend in this town. It's like, unless you're a total victim, you're completely evil, and if you've gone completely evil you can always be redeemed by being made a total victim."

"Huh," said Tom.

"Huh," said Sierra.

"Hey, have you seen Kevin?" said Tom.

"You know, now that you mention it, no," said Sierra. "Have you seen Josie?"

"No," said Tom. "I mean, I think I saw her sort of lurking in the background by the school a few times."

"And I think I saw Kevin in the background of that angry mob the other day," Sierra said.

"Our kids sure love the background," said Tom.

-

Across town, Kevin was not in the background. He had been promoted to the foreground, with a roaring fire behind him, and now he managed to produce a Kalashnikov.

"Great," Hiram breathed out. "We’re going to work well together, Kevin. And also I hope nobody _ever_ shoots up Pop's Chock'lit Shoppe while wearing a hood and screaming, 'I am absolutely a Southside Serpent.'"

Kevin looked at the assault rifle in his hands.

"You're not going to betray me, right, Mr. Lodge?" he said. 

Hiram looked shocked. Actually, he looked like Kevin had hurt his feelings.

"Sorry," Kevin said hastily. "Sorry. That was hurtful."

Kevin was usually a nice boy.

"Super hurtful, but I forgive you if you forgive me having to go do some old man business in the next room," Hiram said.

Kevin nodded. Hiram crossed to the next room, shutting the door behind him so that Kevin couldn't see into it. There, he expected to find Chuck Clayton in front of the roaring fire, but actually it was Archie. Archie was feeding Fred Andrews campaign pins into the fire.

"Mr. Lodge!" he said, standing up. "I've thought it over. This town is crazy! It turns out it _does_ need your strength more than ever--"

" _Dios mio_ , are we doing this again?" Hiram said, aghast.

"What?" said Archie.

"What?" Hiram said, recovering. "Nevermind. Ignore me. Go on, Archie."

"People are voting for the Black Hood!" Archie said. "The Black Hood! So I've realized. He's my enemy, and _you're_ the good guy--"

"I totally am," Hiram said, nodding.

"--and now people are voting for him even though he stabbed Midge with all those knives--"

"This is exactly why the Southside needs to be burned to the ground and all the Serpents imprisoned," Hiram said, nodding. "Yes."

"I know!" Archie said. "It just makes so much sense!"

"It sure does, Archie," said Hiram. 

"So you forgive me?" Archie said.

"I totally do, if you'll just do one thing for me," said Hiram.

"Anything," Archie said.

Hiram crossed to a cabinet near the fire and pulled out a box. He held it out to Archie. Archie squinted at objects inside, which looked oddly familiar.

"Could you just, like, hold on to this box of knives for me?" Hiram said. "It's like, Midge got stabbed with knives, and I have all these knives that just happen to look exactly like the ones that stabbed her, down to the teeny-tiny HL on the handles, which I assume stands for Hood Lovers, and I just really don't want people to think I'm, you know, _evil_."

Archie looked at Hiram.

Hiram looked at Archie.

Archie smiled broadly.

"Totally, Mr. Lodge," Archie said.

-

"We have to take on the Black Hood!" Jughead said, standing in front of a very literal dumpster fire somewhere in a field of tall grass. 

Around him, all the Serpents looked uneasy.

"Our trailer park just burned down," said Hogeye.

"And Penny's killed like nine of us," said FP.

"And the new sheriff keeps putting us in prison for this rash of poisonings," said the newly-recovered Fangs.

"And the Ghoulies destroyed the Wyrm," croaked out Byrdie. 

"And angry mobs keep forming in order to target our youngest members," said a tall Serpent with dreadlocks whose name was never spoken, because nobody in the gang had ever thought to ask for it.

"You know," put in Joaquin, who hadn't been able to score a bus ticket as quickly as he'd wanted. "We _could_ still run off to San Junipero..."

"Is your only power getting on a bus?" Jughead screeched. "We have to stand and fight! And I'm asking you all to fight! Fight for Betty, who helped us get rid of Tall Boy--"

"Who?" said Fangs.

"He was around like last week," said Hogeye. "Or last year. Hard to tell."

" _I_ think he's the Black Hood," whispered the Serpent with the dreadlocks.

"Are we snakes?" Jughead said now, banging his right fist on his left palm. "Or _mice_? Is my father not a _king_?"

Despite the fact that none of Jughead's words made any sense, and the fact that no one actually had to listen to him, all of the Serpents inexplicably cheered.

"We'll help your girl, boy," FP said, tipping his beer bottle at Jughead because no one had remembered that FP was an alcoholic for at least a week, so a reminder was due. "Because that's what Serpents do."

In a tattered couch in a corner of the field, Sweet Pea sat on his hands and tried to count down his rage. Since he'd used up all his lines, he couldn't defy Jughead this week. Which was really annoying. He wondered where Toni was. Toni might have objected to all this.

"Where's Toni?" Joaquin whispered amid all the cheering, as if on cue.

"She's with Cheryl today. Cheryl needed her. Toni can't do Serpent stuff when Cheryl needs her," Fangs whispered back.

Joaquin stared at him.

-

At Pop's, Toni gazed into Cheryl's eyes.

"And then my mother and the Black Hood _both_ said I was an inconsistent, immoral cartoon who is freely cruel to my peers!" Cheryl sobbed.

"They're wrong," Toni insisted. "You're not any of those things. You're _breathtaking_."

"I only survived because I kept thinking about you rescuing me, Toni," Cheryl said, through her tears.

"You survived because you're strong!" Toni said passionately. "And I'm sorry I didn't rescue you this time! It's just that my friend got shot, and my community was being scapegoated, and I lost my home, and--"

Cheryl gave her a strange look.

"What are you doing?" she said.

"What?" said Toni.

Cheryl sat back, wiping away at her tear tracks.

"I mean, what are you doing?" she asked Toni slowly. "This is an _us_ scene, and _us_ scenes aren't about you. They're about _me_."

Toni blinked.

"Oh my god," she said. "You're absolutely right. Cheryl, I'm so sorry!"

Cheryl nodded, mollified. "That's okay."

"Well, anyway, I wanted to ask if you wanted to go visit that new traveling carnival to cheer you up," Toni said.

-

They went to the traveling carnival, which was strange because there was a serial killer on the loose, Toni's gang kept being scapegoated for things they didn't do, Cheryl's mother remained an evil fixture at Thistlehouse, the Ghoulies were running around killing people, and four new angry mobs had formed that morning.

So, really, maybe it was for the best that Cheryl and Toni's scene at the carnival was cut entirely.

-

Later that night, Veronica and the Pussycats performed a remix of Tears For Fears' "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" at a "Deport All Southsiders" rally that Hermione was hosting.

No one remarked on the song choice. No one suggested it was a bit too on the nose for the Lodge plot. Several people did cheer and tell Veronica they would be voting for her in the Mayoral election.

Afterwards, Veronica gathered Mel and Val close.

"I hate to press my problems on others," she said. "It is _so_ gauche. But I am in desperate need of friends."

"Of course!" said Val.

"Totally!" said Mel.

"It's my parents," Veronica said, through a lovely faceful of near-tears. "It's just--it's my father, really. He's opened a trust fund for me! And people act like my life isn't the hardest life in the entire town!"

Mel and Val stared at her.

"Uh," Mel said. "Veronica. A trust fund is not actually a bad thing."

"And, actually, if _that's_ what bothers you about the direction your parents are taking you in, I have some real questions about your priorities," said Val.

But at this point old Thomas Topaz wandered by. He stopped right next to Veronica and the Pussycats in order to say, "Hey! You girls stop picking on Veronica."

-

Maybe a month or so later, or maybe just the next day, Jughead was desperately trying to uncover just what the link between Hiram Lodge and the rash of school poisonings was. But every classmate he encountered just told him to cool it with what was obviously a needlessly personal vendetta against Hiram.

"You're so spiteful!" wheezed Trev Brown, who had only just recovered from the poisoning and whose hospital bills the Lodges had mysteriously paid because, to quote the Lodges, "we definitely didn't have anything to do with those poisonings." 

"I know Hiram didn't poison me!" Trev continued. "Hiram is my friend! Hiram is a friend to all boys who have ever considered varsity sports!"

So Jughead gave up, and cut afternoon classes to go to the town library and do some research on the history of the Lodge family in the area. The librarian greeted him as he walked in.

"Hi, Mr. Schneebly," Jughead said, as though he'd known the librarian his whole life and the librarian had always been a fixture in Riverdale. 

"Hi, Jughead!" said Mr. Schneebly.

Unfortunately, Jughead didn't get very far in his research before his father showed up. FP smacked a hand on the table where Jughead was working. Jughead jumped. 

"So you're cutting school now, boy?" he said. "Did you think Mr. Schneebly, who has been well known to everyone in this town for years, wouldn't tell me?"

"Dad," Jughead said, eyes wide. Because Jughead wasn't a teen gang leader in this scene. Now he was just a teen.

FP smacked the table again.

"Dammit, boy," FP said. "This is how it starts! This isn't what I want for you! First you're cutting school, then you're having sex with Betty during the riots because she threw a brick and it was really hot, then she gives up your baby, then it dies, then she marries Hal--"

"What? Her father?" Jughead said, taken aback.

"Doesn't matter! I want what's best for you! And a snake never cuts school!" FP said. 

And, since it was one of those days where FP was supposed to be a very good parent, he hauled Jughead out of the library and into the June snowstorm. 

-

Across town, everyone was still in school except for Betty, who was home for some reason. She was also bound, gagged, and tied to an armchair.

Not-Chic and the Black Hood patrolled the carpet in front of her.

"You thought you would kill me," Chic said, brandishing a knife. "But you didn't realize that I've been in league with the Black Hood this whole time!"

"All you did was show your true colors, Betty," warbled the Hood.

"And now you pay!" said Chic. 

Then Alice clattered down the stairs, holding a gun. 

"You get out of my house and leave my daughter alone!" she yelled, a badass in a lavender cardigan. 

The Black Hood dove down the hall and out of the door. Not-Chic did too, but not before Alice shot him in the leg.

Then she untied Betty, sobbing the whole time.

"Oh, honey!" she wailed. "What if something _happened_ to you? Our whole world is falling apart, your father might be the Black Hood... I mean, I can't lose you, too!"

Betty spit out her gag. 

"You also think dad might be the Black Hood?" she said.

"Of course!" said Alice. "He's conveniently gone most times the Hood happens to strike! And if the Hood is sometimes played by Chic, then they can double up, and-- wait. You knew your father was the Hood? And you didn't tell me? _Elizabeth Cooper_ \--"

"Mom, you have been joining angry mobs for the past two heat waves, and this morning you kept belittling me for no reason," Betty said testily.

"Betty, this morning was like a month ago," Alice said, tears welling up in her eyes again. "This is like a whole new episode, and I can't believe you would hold the acts of the past episode against me."

-

"Daddy," Veronica said, rushing into the Pembrooke living room and blocking her father's view of the roaring fire. "Small Fry Poutine just attacked me and mom, and now mom's holding him off! This is all your fault! _This_ is what your games and manipulation have wrought."

Hiram rolled his eyes. He stood up and went through a door to an adjoining room, where Hermione was in fact holding Small Fry Poutine at gunpoint. They were both in front of a roaring fire. 

Hiram held up his hands.

"I know what it looks like, Small Fry, but you have the wrong family. You know Fred Andrews, the father of the boy who your father insulted during our his last meal together? Fred’s your guy. Fred’s the one who killed Papa Poutine."

" _What?_ " Veronica shrieked. 

"Veronica, do you have to make a scene?" said Hermione, rolling her eyes.

"Yes, Veronica, calm down," said Hiram evenly. "Small Fry, ignore the shrieking girl. That's Andrews. A-N-D-R-E-W-S."

"You're evil!" Veronica said, shocked. "I thought you were good! I thought you and mom were good people!"

"What?" said Hiram, turning to her with a puzzled look on his face. "Why? _Why_ would you think that, Veronica?"

-

Jughead rounded a corner by the school. His headphones were on, he was slouching, and he had a backpack slung across his shoulders, because he was an outsider in this scene. 

"Hey, Hot Rod Lincoln," hissed some Ghoulies. Jughead looked up. Penny Peabody and the Ghoulies were slouching by a dumpster, because it had been clear for a while that they would be returning to mess with Jughead and so for the past few scenes they had been waiting pretty patiently for this scene to happen.

"Guess who has your father hostage, little boy," Penny crooned.

"What?" Jughead said, desperation descending on him. He didn't question Penny or bother calling his father to check and see if she was telling the truth, because the plot required him to believe Penny absolutely.

"Come with us, or FP joins that Madge Klump girl in hell," sneered Penny. 

Jughead went with them. They beat him up terribly, _super_ violently, so violently it couldn’t be shown onscreen and also he got temporary brain damage that made him wonder if maybe it was Toni’s fault despite there not being a shred of evidence that it was Toni’s fault. But then at the last minute a bunch of knives fell out of his pockets and impaled Penny and half of the Ghoulies, forcing the rest to scatter. The knives all had HL carved into the handle. Jughead squinted at them through a haze of pain.

"What the hell...?" he managed. "Did someone plant those on me? Who could have done that?"

-

In the meantime, Archie Andrews was sitting in his kitchen and saying, "Hey, dad, if the most amazing sexy vampire in the world suggested you do something horrible to someone you were supposed to be a friend to, and you did it, would that be bad?"

Fred squinted pensively.

"Well, son," he said. "You have to do what your heart thinks is right."

"Yeah," Archie said glumly. "It's just that this is eating me up inside."

"If you feel even a little bad about doing a bad thing, son," Fred added, "it's almost like you're good enough to not have done the bad thing at all."

Archie brightened.

"Hey! Yeah!" he said.

Fred nodded sagely. 

Suddenly, Veronica burst through their door. Although she was wearing four inch heels and a miniskirt, they could tell she had just been running because she was slightly out of breath, her designer coat was a tad bit askew, and she had a very pretty rosy glow.

"Archie! Mr. Andrews! My father's fed you to Small Fry Poutine!"

"What?" Archie said, horrified. "You mean your father is _evil_? Veronica, I have to confront him!"

"Now, hold on, Archie, son," Fred said. "I don't want you putting yourself in danger--"

"No!" Archie said hotly. "If Hiram Lodge is putting us in danger, dad, then I have to act. Because I would never choose Hiram Lodge over you!"

Fred stared at him.

"Sure, I've done it a few times now!" Archie said. "But this is the last time, dad! I promise!"

"Because my father hurting you is _bad_ , Mr. Andrews," Veronica put in, by way of instruction.

"Yeah, this makes Mr. Lodge bad," said Archie. 

"Because he's hurting you, Archie," added Veronica.

"And hurting my dad!" Archie said.

"Right, those are the two bad things my father has done," said Veronica. “Those two things only.”

"Yes, these two things are the bad things. Everything else he's done is fine," Archie agreed.

At this point, Small Fry Poutine appeared on the doorstep. A scuffle ensued, during which Archie punched Small Fry in defense of his father, Small Fry hit the corner of the kitchen island, and Small Fry died.

At _this_ point, while the Andrews men hyperventilated, Veronica whipped a pair of glasses out of her pocket and put them on. They made her look both calculating and hot. 

"Don't panic," she said coolly. "My father will try to pass this off as not his fault, but when I tell my four mafia suitors _he_ killed Small Fry Poutine, no one will know the truth."

"Ronnie," Archie said, turning to her with awe in his eyes. "You're amazing."

"And you're my beacon of light, Archiekins," Veronica said, very seriously.

"Guys--" Fred choked out.

He was collapsing against the island too. No one had punched him. He was just having a small heart attack.

-

FP sat hunched over by Jughead's hospital bed.

"Boy," he said brokenly. "Boy. If Hogeye and the Serpent with the dreadlocks hadn't found you lying in that Right Maid pharmacy parking lot--"

"It's okay, dad," Jughead managed.

"It's not okay!" FP said. "It's not okay, you hear me, Jughead? I'm an old, broke-down snake, but snakes still love their young!"

Jughead blinked back tears. FP wiped away a manly tear of his own.

"I'm taking the Serpents straight, Jughead," FP said. "This has convinced me."

Jughead frowned.

"Wait," he said. "Dad. The Serpents haven't actually committed any crimes in, like, months. Or years. Not since Christmas, anyway. And you're back in charge of the Serpents now? I thought _I_ was in charge of the Serpents."

"No!" FP said. "Don't be ridiculous, Jughead."

"I was in charge of the Serpents last week," Jughead said sullenly.

"Well, this week I'm in charge of them!"

"Wait, who was in charge of them this morning when you were at work? Toni?"

"Huh. Maybe," FP said, scratching his head. "I actually don't know. Tall Boy was in charge for a while there. Not this morning, though. Like a few months ago, maybe."

"Well. Uh. Shouldn't someone from the Uktena tribe be in charge?" Jughead asked, looking confused.

In response, FP looked just as confused.

"I dunno, boy," he said. "But that's why I love you. You're always asking the smart questions."

He would have gone on further, but now there came a knock on the door to Jughead's hospital room.

Betty Cooper stood there, silhouetted in light like an angel.

"Betty!" Jughead said.

"Jughead!" Betty said.

FP stood, scratching the back of his neck now.

"I'll leave you two alone," he put in, with an impish grin. "I know that if you don't get at least three scenes alone together, people act like this entire town might as well be burned to the ground."

Then, chuckling, he left. Betty ran to Jughead.

"I thought you'd been killed," she said, eyes shining with relief.

"It's okay," Jughead rasped out, taking the hand she offered him. She ran a hand through his hair and he leaned into the touch. "We're together now. But Betty--"

"Yes?" Betty said.

"It's only been two Bughead scenes now," Jughead said shakily. "What's going to happen if we don't get a third?"

Betty took in a breath.

"I would rather you have _died_ than us not get a third," she breathed out.

"I thought that would be your answer," Jughead said, with inexplicable fondness.

-

In the hospital hallway, FP ran into Alice.

"FP," Alice said, her tone guarded.

"Alice," said FP. "What brings you here?"

"Visiting my neighbor, Fred," Alice said. She raked her eyes up and down FP's body, and then looked away like she wasn't doing that.

"So even old Fred's been kissed by the claw of misfortune," FP said. "Damn!"

For absolutely no reason related to his dialogue, he leaned over Alice, trapping her against the hospital wall. Alice looked up at him through her lashes, like she wasn't opposed to this.

"You could go see him," Alice said lightly, after a few moments. "He's your friend."

"Nah," said FP, staring at her lips. "I mean, I did just dump a body for him, but my friendship with Fred isn't really a thing this season."

Alice leaned up to whisper something into his ear.

" _I'm married to someone who might be a murderer, or even if he's not a murderer he's still pretty unbearable._ "

" _I can't even remember whether I'm married at all right now_ ," FP whispered back. " _Do I have children besides Jughead? Who knows? I bet this definitely won't be a plot point in season three, anyway._ "

They both took in a shuddering breath. Then FP pushed off of the wall and strode off down the hall.

"See you around, Alice," he said, over his shoulder.

Alice stared after him. Her hair had become extremely disheveled, her blouse had lost about four of its buttons, and also her lipstick had changed color somehow.

This was the hottest scene the entire county had seen in about sixty years, and it only lasted for maybe fifteen seconds.

-

After Archie was done visiting his father, he went to the Pembrooke.

"Hi, Mr. Lodge," he said, when Hiram opened the door.

"Uh, hi Archie," said Hiram, looking confused.

"Just here to see Veronica," Archie said cheerfully.

"Sure," Hiram said. "Come right in."

As he let Archie in, he mouthed to Hermione, _what is continuity?_

Hermione mouthed back, _a foreign concept in this town._

Archie let himself into Veronica's room. Veronica was in her bed in a blue satin negligee, looking magnificent. 

"Archie!" she said, bounding up.

"Ronnie," Archie said, taking her in his arms. "You _saved_ me and my dad."

"No, Archie," Veronica said, tears in her eyes. " _You_ saved us all from Small Fry Poutine."

"You're a wonderful human being," Archie said seriously.

"Yes, Archie," Veronica said, "and so are _you_.”

Then they had sex, and it was honestly the least objectionable thing they'd done all year or month or week or whatever. Since before Christmas, anyway.

-

On Monday, a day that began in balmy spring and turned into sleet by second period, Jughead hobbled back into school on crutches, at the head of the Serpents.

"Good to see you back," Archie said, expression brimming with affection for a friendship that hadn't actually existed for several months now.

"Good to be back," Jughead said, and let Archie help him onto a couch in the student lounge. "Even if it's only because all the Serpents each sold a kidney to pay for my hospital bills."

"Ew," Cheryl said.

"Kidneys are all we had to sell," Toni explained, "because we were all evicted after an arsonist burned down the trailer park and now we're living in vans down by the river."

Cheryl looked at her, confused.

"Why are you talking about _your_ proble-- oh. Wait. This isn't an _us_ scene. It's an ensemble scene. Carry on."

She was right. It was an ensemble scene. It had everyone who would be a teen series regular for season three, although only Archie, Jughead, Betty, Veronica, and Cheryl were sitting on the couches in the middle of the room. Toni and Reggie hovered nearby, as if unsure. Kevin and Josie were wisecracking together in the background.

"Guys," Betty said now, leaning in. "We have to talk about something. The Black Hood is still out there! I think he's my dad."

"And how do you know that, cousin Betty?" Cheryl asked skeptically, as though she hadn't already heard this plot before.

"He and my dad are rarely seen together at the same time," Betty explained, holding her hands out to punctuate the point.

"B, that could mean nothing. I mean, the Black Hood and _my_ dad are rarely seen together at the same time," Veronica put in. "If that's your reasoning, you might as well suggest that _my_ dad's an evil murderer."

"Which would be crazy," said Toni, mainly because Veronica hadn't had blind support from some unexpected corner in like a week now.

"Yeah, and maybe it isn't your dad, but just someone who can't stand being around when your dad is around," Archie said now, wisely. "You know, like someone who _really hates_ your dad."

"Woah, woah, hold on," said Jughead. "Let's not pick on everyone who hates Betty's dad now. Some of those people are really nice men recovering from alcoholism who just want to make their gangs go straight."

"Guys," said Kevin, leaning into the foreground to cash in his one line for this scene, "My dad, who is coincidentally the same age as all the other dads in town, mentioned that all their high school rivalries can be found in the Riverdale High yearbooks! If somebody hates Betty's dad, we'll figure out who they are through that!"

"I'll look through the yearbooks by the lockers," Reggie said, cracking his knuckles and cashing in _his_ one line.

"I'll take the ones in the music room," Josie decided. There went her one line.

"And Kevin and I can take the ones by Weatherbee's office," Toni said. This removed her and Kevin from the subsequent scene, leaving Archie, Betty, Veronica, Jughead, and Cheryl to discover the relevant yearbook right there in the lounge.

"Oh my god," Betty said, breathing out. "Is that old photo a photo of--"

"Chic!" Jughead said. "That's Chic!"

"It's not Chic! It's Wilmer Schneebly, the town librarian we all know and love!" said Veronica.

"And look!" said Cheryl. "He's putting up the middle finger at _Hal Cooper_!"

"Guys, Chic was conspiring with the Black Hood, which would make sense if the Black Hood wasn't the Black Hood but Wilmer Schneebly and Wilmer Schneebly Junior!" Betty said. "I can't believe I didn't see it before!"

"We have to tell the adults!" Archie said.

Luckily, all of the adults except for Fred were casting their votes for town mayor in the school auditorium at that very moment. The teens collected their friends and then raced past a man who was saying, "I'm gonna vote for Fred Andrews, because he had a heart attack," and another man who was saying, "I'm gonna vote for Archie Andrews, because he gave Fred a heart attack." They found all the relevant adults at the front of the room: Hiram, Hermione, Alice, Hal, Tom Keller, Sierra McCoy, Wilmer Schneebly, and even FP, who was a felon and therefore should not have been voting, but who was casting a vote for Alice anyway.

"Stop right there!" Archie yelled. "We know who the Black Hood is!"

"Me?" said Hal.

"Me?" said Hiram.

"I hope it's not me," FP muttered.

"It's none of you! It's Wilmer Schneebly!" Archie shouted, running for Schneebly.

In response, Schneebly panicked and made for the exit. At the sight of a man running, Tom Keller's hindbrain came to attention.

"Kevin!" he said. "Quick! Give me that assault rifle you're holding!" 

Kevin passed it to him. Tom shot Wilmer Schneebly in the back of the head.

Silence fell over the room. After a few moments, Sierra McCoy spoke up.

"It's okay," she told the crowd. "No one panic. It's okay. There's a little-known morality law here in Riverdale. You see, if you have ever done anything bad at all, but then you do something _good_ , then it turns out that you're an amazing person and everything is fine."

Several people around the room brightened. Not just Tom Keller, but also Archie, Reggie, Jughead, Alice, Betty, Veronica, Cheryl, Moose, Kevin, FP, Hiram, Hal, Hermione -- the list went on.

"But wait," Toni put in. "What about all those angry mob people who were trying to kill Southside children for no reaso--"

"They were just hot and a little annoyed. It's fine," said Sierra. 

"And what about our significant mafia presence?" Betty said.

"Nice people who just care about business opportunities," Sierra said.

"And, like, it's totally fine that I tried to frame Jughead for Midge Klump's murder just because Mr. Lodge suggested it to me, right?" said Archie.

"Absolutely fine," said Sierra.

"You _what_?" said Jughead.

-

Later, at Pop's, while snowflakes pressed their dainty touch against the windows, Archie, Betty, Jughead, and Veronica enjoyed burgers and shakes.

"So what are you guys doing for July Fourth weekend?" Archie said.

"Should we really be talking about this?" Jughead said. "I mean, there are so many loose ends to tie up. Like how you--"

"Jughead," Betty said, in a warning tone. "We caught the Black Hood. And this is a nice friendship moment we're getting right now. Okay?"

Jughead subsided.

"You're my brother, Jughead," Archie said, looking at him earnestly.

"And you're my bestie, B," put in Veronica.

"Yeah," Betty said. "It's been a great year of committed, healthy friendship among all four of us."

"I don't know what I would do without the three of you," Jughead admitted, sighing.

"Really the important thing is how we're all such great friends," Archie told him.

They all clinked milkshakes, like the past few months or weeks or whatever had never even happened.

-

Later, Jughead hobbled back to the Jones van down by the river. There, a dark-haired woman and child were standing in the shade of a maple tree. 

"Mom? Jellybean?" said Jughead.

He wasn’t sure it was them. He had to squint, because they were standing with their backs to him. But it probably was them. It was just that he wouldn’t be allowed to see their faces until season three. They hadn’t actually been cast yet. 

-

Betty went back home, where she found a dead cat nailed to her front door. She screamed. Her father poked his head out onto the stoop.

"Betty, get in!" he said. "Get in! Our longstanding blood feud with the Schneeblys has recommenced as a result of all this Chic and Black Hood business!"

"What?" Betty said. "I thought the Chic and Black Hood business was _over_!"

"Don't be stupid, Betty. This will last four seasons at least," hissed her mother through the window, because Alice was back in a belittling mood again.

-

Veronica went on a shopping spree to make herself feel better about _what_ a stressful week she'd had. She ran into Nick St. Clair and every single member of the multicultural Riverdale-Canadian mafia, because of course she did.

"You're still around?" she shrieked. 

"Of course we are," Nick sneered. "Darkness never goes away, Veronica."

"I don't know why this keeps happening to me!" Veronica said, stamping her foot. "I'm _such_ a nice person! I haven't even remembered I was in the mafia for like a month now!"

-

Archie went to school to pick up a guitar he hadn't thought about in like fourteen seasons. There, he was promptly handcuffed and arrested.

"You can't do this!" he said, struggling against Sheriff Minetta.

"I'm a new kind of lawmaker," said Minetta. "Since my very existence is designed to make Tom Keller look amazing by comparison, it turns out I don't play by the laws."

"That's exactly like Sheriff Keller used to be,” Archie said flatly. “Actually, that’s exactly like every Riverale citizen. Anyway, dude. Take these handcuffs off. You could let me go right now and it wouldn't matter. We all know I'm going to be let go eventually. I'm never in any serious danger. I'm a protagonist."

"Yeah, well, this season needs to end on cliffhanger, so suck it up," Minetta said.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this! Please note that if you're going to flame me for it (can you believe Riverdale fandom resurrected flaming? That's so _appropriately retro_ ), I will make fun of you. But seriously. I hope you liked this. Or at least were only as annoyed by it as one is by the show.


End file.
